So, it has been a year, which turned out to be an obvious proof of what his mentors said: "You can't have everything". A year in which he tried to go against the rules of conservation and equivalent exchange and failed miserably. Hence, in order to admit defeat, as promised, he would have to list out all the gain and lost during that time.
The first and foremost of his failure is friendship. Not love, not career or anything else. Friends, a word for only a few, used to be his top priority in life. Yet, ever since coming here, he have been losing touch with them, day by day... It wouldn't be such a surprise when he heard about his friends' break-up or , settling down in a different country if he spent time listening to what they said... instead, he spent those time chasing some illusion of making his stand in the new environment.... The seemingly only friend that he still frequently contact, though briefly, was his friend living almost half-a-day later than him... With such things, he shouldn't be wondering why he felt "left out" in the first place, as he should not expect sb to be there for him when he can't do the same thing for others...
Though, over the course of one year, he was able to become close to some people in Singapore. The time he spend with them haven't been that long for him to completely trust to think of them as friend, admittedly. However, they do make him experience that sense of belonging, although only through work and sometimes suppers in the evening... It would take another two or three years until he dare to tell them everything in his mind, but he hope at least two or three people would remain closed to him until then... a wish....
Actually, during the days of September or so, he had a big fight with sb, face to face, over furious sms-es sent at midnight, on his Yahoo! and even Facebook... it was a person who used to be quite close to him... she doesn't really see him much, yet they trust each other enough (or so he thought) to tell stories about their personal life, who they hate and so on... also, she was sb who gave him practical arguments to counter his "above-the-cloud" decision, a valuable advisor, indeed. Yet, it was a fight, big one. In the end, it was a =)) laugh that closed the curtain. Hurt as it should, but that's a broken friendship, and he really don't think he 'll ever talk to her the same way again, even now... the "silent" period has ended, they talked to each other, but merely as two people greetings to each other. From his point, he has stepped back two many times already and it's time to turn away. It 's personal, frankly speaking, but enough is enough!
....Last night, he dreamed about the time when he was in 11th grade and tried to sleep as much as he can to keep the illusion real... so long those time...
The second thing he lost is, again, personal relationship. He would not try to think about it though, as it was not a good view turning back like that, so he won't be looking. Just go. If the Earth is really round, paths would cross again, otherwise, it's better to go on separate way :)
The last thing he dropped was his goal. Chasing after many illusion, it must have dropped somewhere along the way when he was too eager to accept offers from people he haven't really understand about. As a result, it was a summer full of suffering, a retreat and many problem left unsolved. Yet, i was something he had better learn now or never, a costly lesson.... At the moment, he is trying to fulfill whatever left of his goal, those vague ideas he still remember, not the precise idea he once have. But hopefully, one day he will come across a field of interest again and dig deep into it :)
In a sense, his life is in the state it is now because of his not taking the chance to go to Singapore 5 years ago. It was not a good decision, as it cost him his first loved person, a chance for study and so many thing. But he would not regret it, otherwise he wouldn't be here, sitting, writing and having the opportunity to know the people he know now. So he will fight as long as it take, struggle as much as he could to live through his decision!
In fact, the over the last year was not in cement-gray. He briefly live in the atmosphere of a family, where he have brothers and sisters around; get to know some amazing foreign friends, who taught him a lot about passion, teamwork; verified what his heart really feels....
Recently, he had the chance to work with awesome teams in his project and CCAs; practice interesting things under guidance of great mentors; skim trough blog posts that paint a "pinky", optimistic world; and lucky enough to feel the wramth of sb's smile. It was a great reality, too good that it can shatter the very next day... but as all experience, this reality is shaped by his own hand, and he will try to handle it with care.
Adding three more "chocobo" icons to his phone book. three more people have become important to him.... One was a "mog" previously - someone who he know better than average and cared, the other two was "chicobo"s - his junior, who grown enough wings to fly on their own wings.. and he - the "black mage" would be glad to accompany the one with all the spells in his book :)
"I still remember the days
When we had a long, long time to share
That’s when I saw you there
Looking as tired as I used to be
“Hello”, I said unsurely
You smiled a little shyly
Soon we knew we would go on
Together on a journey to our dreams
Hand in hand, forever and far more
We would run, we’d never have enough
Didn’t even care to ask
How far away from home
We’d have to go
On and on, the hours tick away
So the memories can go astray
Oh I miss the never-ending road
And sure I’d rather be with you
Sweet summer breeze
Or autumn leaves
Midwinter sky
And blooming flowers of spring
Friends and their laughter
Precious and kind
Let all shine like diamonds in my heart"...
The first and foremost of his failure is friendship. Not love, not career or anything else. Friends, a word for only a few, used to be his top priority in life. Yet, ever since coming here, he have been losing touch with them, day by day... It wouldn't be such a surprise when he heard about his friends' break-up or , settling down in a different country if he spent time listening to what they said... instead, he spent those time chasing some illusion of making his stand in the new environment.... The seemingly only friend that he still frequently contact, though briefly, was his friend living almost half-a-day later than him... With such things, he shouldn't be wondering why he felt "left out" in the first place, as he should not expect sb to be there for him when he can't do the same thing for others...
Though, over the course of one year, he was able to become close to some people in Singapore. The time he spend with them haven't been that long for him to completely trust to think of them as friend, admittedly. However, they do make him experience that sense of belonging, although only through work and sometimes suppers in the evening... It would take another two or three years until he dare to tell them everything in his mind, but he hope at least two or three people would remain closed to him until then... a wish....
Actually, during the days of September or so, he had a big fight with sb, face to face, over furious sms-es sent at midnight, on his Yahoo! and even Facebook... it was a person who used to be quite close to him... she doesn't really see him much, yet they trust each other enough (or so he thought) to tell stories about their personal life, who they hate and so on... also, she was sb who gave him practical arguments to counter his "above-the-cloud" decision, a valuable advisor, indeed. Yet, it was a fight, big one. In the end, it was a =)) laugh that closed the curtain. Hurt as it should, but that's a broken friendship, and he really don't think he 'll ever talk to her the same way again, even now... the "silent" period has ended, they talked to each other, but merely as two people greetings to each other. From his point, he has stepped back two many times already and it's time to turn away. It 's personal, frankly speaking, but enough is enough!
....Last night, he dreamed about the time when he was in 11th grade and tried to sleep as much as he can to keep the illusion real... so long those time...
The second thing he lost is, again, personal relationship. He would not try to think about it though, as it was not a good view turning back like that, so he won't be looking. Just go. If the Earth is really round, paths would cross again, otherwise, it's better to go on separate way :)
The last thing he dropped was his goal. Chasing after many illusion, it must have dropped somewhere along the way when he was too eager to accept offers from people he haven't really understand about. As a result, it was a summer full of suffering, a retreat and many problem left unsolved. Yet, i was something he had better learn now or never, a costly lesson.... At the moment, he is trying to fulfill whatever left of his goal, those vague ideas he still remember, not the precise idea he once have. But hopefully, one day he will come across a field of interest again and dig deep into it :)
In a sense, his life is in the state it is now because of his not taking the chance to go to Singapore 5 years ago. It was not a good decision, as it cost him his first loved person, a chance for study and so many thing. But he would not regret it, otherwise he wouldn't be here, sitting, writing and having the opportunity to know the people he know now. So he will fight as long as it take, struggle as much as he could to live through his decision!
In fact, the over the last year was not in cement-gray. He briefly live in the atmosphere of a family, where he have brothers and sisters around; get to know some amazing foreign friends, who taught him a lot about passion, teamwork; verified what his heart really feels....
Recently, he had the chance to work with awesome teams in his project and CCAs; practice interesting things under guidance of great mentors; skim trough blog posts that paint a "pinky", optimistic world; and lucky enough to feel the wramth of sb's smile. It was a great reality, too good that it can shatter the very next day... but as all experience, this reality is shaped by his own hand, and he will try to handle it with care.
Adding three more "chocobo" icons to his phone book. three more people have become important to him.... One was a "mog" previously - someone who he know better than average and cared, the other two was "chicobo"s - his junior, who grown enough wings to fly on their own wings.. and he - the "black mage" would be glad to accompany the one with all the spells in his book :)
"I still remember the days
When we had a long, long time to share
That’s when I saw you there
Looking as tired as I used to be
“Hello”, I said unsurely
You smiled a little shyly
Soon we knew we would go on
Together on a journey to our dreams
Hand in hand, forever and far more
We would run, we’d never have enough
Didn’t even care to ask
How far away from home
We’d have to go
On and on, the hours tick away
So the memories can go astray
Oh I miss the never-ending road
And sure I’d rather be with you
Sweet summer breeze
Or autumn leaves
Midwinter sky
And blooming flowers of spring
Friends and their laughter
Precious and kind
Let all shine like diamonds in my heart"...
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